I have had a very hard time lately doing the things I know I need to do to lose the rest of my weight (and a few more pounds I've put back on this past year). Let me tell you all something about me. I suffer from depression (quite severely if you ask me) and I have been battling it for the past year or so as it has gotten worse. I have had no ambition to do things I need to do, no desire to hang out with friends/family, not even sure that I wanted to be a wife/mom anymore. I have been struggling A LOT with this whole issue. But just as I was at the end of my rope, I was talking with Chuck and I told him I was thinking about going back on "happy pills" (as I call them). I didn't feel like I was functioning... as a wife, as a mom, as a Young Women's leader, as a friend, as a student, as a human... I was struggling (to say the least). Well, I set up my yearly physical in July and told myself I would ask about getting back on meds. My doctor didn't even question me... he just wrote the script and handed it to me. I was put on meds back after Miss Maddy was born (well... she was 9 months old) and they worked well for me, so he put me back on the same ones and I was out the door heading to the pharmacy. I started taking them that day and within a week I was a more patient mom and I was actually enjoying my kids (something I haven't done in a VERY long time). When they were being wild and crazy, I could handle it. WOW... why didn't I do this earlier? Who knows, but let me tell you I'm glad I did get back on my meds. As I thought about the fact that I felt like I admitted defeat, I realized that if I would've given up on everything around me, that is when I would've admitted defeat. With the meds, I was getting my life back, admitting to succeeding with this "trial/challenge" in my life.
Now I have patience with my cute kiddos, but that's about all I have noticed with taking these meds. I'm grateful for that, because my kids deserve a mom who is patient with them. But I'm still having a hard time getting over the wanting to be around people (OK... choosing to be around people, once I'm there I'm good, but it's the anticipation that I don't like) and having the desire to do the things I know I should (like clean my house, go work out, eat right, get my fingerprints ;)...). I hope that my desire will come soon to want to do those things. I feel trapped, I know what I should do, but I have no desire to do them. I start school again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping that getting out the house and putting my brain to work again will be good. And I know that it gives me more structure in my everyday life, so hopefully with going to school again I can get myself into a routine.
As I'm sitting here typing I can't help but think about how weight plays such a role in how we feel about ourselves. If I'm thinner I feel so much better about who I am. I'm more confident and I feel like I portray that. But as I have gained back 10 lbs, I feel frumpy, ugly and not worth anything. I hate to feel that way, but it's how my brain is programmed. When I was a child I was called a "tub" by someone close to me and I remember that to this day. When I was a teen-ager I experimented with the whole "starving myself to get skinny" thing. It worked to lose some weight, but of course when you start eating again, the weight just comes back on. Then as I got older, it was a control issue. When I was in college, I didn't feel like I had control over anything, so back to starving myself it was. I would weigh myself everyday and be mad if I didn't lose any weight that day. I got down to my lowest weight ever. But then a very dear friend of mine came into town from school and saw me... knew exactly what I was doing and got me out of the "trouble" I was in. Now as I look at my life, I'm the exact opposite as I was back when I was younger. I LOVE FOOD!!! I LOVE DR PEPPER!!! I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm bored, I eat when I'm sad, I eat when I'm depressed, I eat because someone else is eating... you get the idea. I have lost weight and fairly successfully kept it off, but I find myself getting into the old habits that made me fat (or is it fluffy... that sounds sweeter). I don't want that.
So with a new resolve and hopefully a network of support around me, I'm going to try and lose my last 20 lbs that I would like to lose and work on being a better maintainer.
My goals:
Journal my food daily
Workout at the gym M-W-F
Do my abs daily
Do my arms M-W-F
Drink 100 oz of hydrating fluids a day
And drink Dr Pepper sparingly (once a week TOPS)
Anybody care to join me?
Anybody want to be my support?
Can I help support any of you?
Please feel free to comment and if you would like support/start a group/a blog/whatever let's do it! I know these kinds of things work better with that network of friends/people focused on the same thing.
I know I just spilled my guts out all over the place, but I have been meaning to post for awhile, but never got the desire to do it!
So now you all know...
My name is KaraLyn
and I struggle with depression!
